You’re in a heated argument with your partner, and it feels like everything is spiraling out of control. Words are flying, frustration is mounting, and you can’t seem to get on the same page.
This scenario is all too common for many couples. It’s also the scenario in which the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse typically emerge, sabotaging and wreaking havoc on the communication within your relationship.
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—developed by Dr. John Gottman, represent four destructive communication patterns that can lead to relationship deterioration if not addressed. Imagine these behaviors as battery acid corroding the foundation of your relationship; if allowed to persist, they can intensify and ultimately damage the relationship to the point of its demise (hence the apocalyptic metaphor).
In this article, I want to help you recognize these harmful patterns in your relationships and introduce you to strategies—what Gottman refers to as "antidotes"—that can counteract them. By understanding these approaches, I hope to provide you with methods to foster healthier communication and prevent the "apocalyptic" decline of your relationship by exploring how to create a more positive and nurturing connection with your partner.
Understanding the Four Horsemen: The "Villains" of Communication
Let’s explore the Four Horsemen and their presence in daily communication.
1. Criticism
Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character or personality and is detrimental as it diverts attention from the actual issue to your partner’s perceived shortcomings, making them feel targeted.
Signs of criticism include using generalizations such as, “You never…” or “You always…”
Example: “You never take out the trash” or “You always leave your things everywhere. You’re so careless!”
2. Contempt
Contempt occurs when one partner perceives themselves as superior to the other, and can be expressed both verbally and non-verbally. Contempt is incredibly damaging as it undermines the emotional foundation of the relationship by implying that one partner is unworthy of respect or love. Additionally, it perpetuates a negative cycle; when one partner exhibits contempt, it can provoke defensiveness or emotional shutdown in the other partner, escalating negative interactions. Furthermore, there can be adverse effects on a partner’s mental and physical health, including weakened immune systems due to chronic stress and persistent feelings of negativity and emotional distress.
Gottman’s research revealed that contempt is among the most detrimental behaviors in a relationship. This also serves as a major predictor of divorce or separation within a partnership.
Indicators of contempt include: Mockery, sarcasm, ridicule, belittling comments, hostile body language (such as sneering, dismissive posture, and/or crossed arms), dismissing or invalidating feelings, eye-rolling, name-calling, insults, condescending or scornful tone, and silent contempt (manifested through cold silence, turning away, or emotional withdrawal).
Example: “Ugh, of course you forgot again. You never get anything right!”
3. Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a typical reaction to criticism or perceived attacks and can be detrimental for various reasons. It hinders constructive conversations by shifting the focus from problem-solving to defending oneself or attacking the other person. Additionally, it fosters emotional distance, which can lead to emotional detachment over time, making it harder for partners to feel respected, heard, and understood. Finally, defensiveness can initiate a cycle of escalating conflict, where neither partner is willing to take responsibility or show empathy towards one another.
Defensiveness is characterized by the following signs: Denying responsibility, shifting blame, making excuses, adopting a victim mentality, counterattacking, steering the conversation away from the issue, interrupting or talking over the other partner, becoming silent, justifying or rationalizing one’s actions, and deflecting with comparisons (where one responds to a complaint by highlighting something their partner has done wrong, diverting attention).
Example: “I wouldn’t have forgotten if you weren’t always nagging me about it.”
4. Stonewalling
Stonewalling is withdrawing or shutting down during conflicts. This behavior often arises when one partner feels overwhelmed, helpless, or unable to cope with the emotional intensity of the discussion, a phenomenon known as flooding. The detrimental effects of stonewalling encompass emotional isolation, heightened conflict, and unresolved issues. Dr. John Gottman's research suggests it can also lead to physiological impacts like stress and anxiety, increasing the risk of long-term relationship difficulties.
Key indicators of stonewalling include: Silence or refusal to engage, leading the other person to feel ignored and frustrated, avoidance of eye contact, physical withdrawal or leaving the room, unresponsiveness to emotional cues, apathy or indifference, providing one-word answers or non-committal replies, emotional shutdown (lack of expressiveness), disengagement from physical closeness, excessive distractions or pretending not to hear or understand.
Example: During a disagreement, one partner may start to express their concerns, but the other responds with dismissive remarks such as, “I don’t want to talk about it” or “Whatever.” They may also avoid eye contact, turn away, or physically withdraw from the conversation, despite the other partner's efforts to engage or resolve the matter. This stonewalling partner effectively shuts down any chance for productive communication.
The Impact of Toxic Communication and Why It Feels Like the Apocalypse
The impact of the Four Horsemen is linked to relationship dissatisfaction and the breakdown of partnerships, including divorce. Dr. John Gottman discovered that these four horsemen can predict divorce with 90% accuracy, based on his extensive research.
The impact of these patterns of negative interaction gradually erodes trust, fosters emotional distance, and often evokes a sense of impending doom in a relationship—particularly when one or more Horsemen dominate the communication. The emotional toll of each Horseman can leave both partners feeling mentally and physically exhausted, resulting in loneliness, anger, and frustration. Additionally, when communication is heavily influenced by one or more Horsemen, it can lead to emotional turmoil within your partnership.
Moreover, the long-term effects of these Horsemen, if not addressed, may lead to a breakdown in communication, causing couples to feel trapped in a cycle of unresolved issues (or what Gottman Method Couple Therapy refers to as “perpetual problems”).
What is essential to remember is that most couples engage in these highly maladaptive behaviors at some point- it’s not about blame here, but about awareness and change.
The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes
What can you do when these horsemen make their unwelcome appearance? Let’s explore some practical strategies to tackle each of the Horsemen effectively.
Criticism Antidote - Gentle Startup
A gentle startup involves addressing issues calmly and gently, concentrating on the problem rather than your partner. It's important to choose an appropriate time for the conversation and utilize "I" statements. By framing the discussion this way, you focus on the issue at hand, reducing the likelihood of criticizing your partner's actions. Furthermore, pay attention to your tone and body language to ensure they are warm and open, matching the message you wish to convey.
Example: “I feel frustrated when the trash overflows and isn’t taken out. Could you please take out the trash tonight?”
Contempt Antidote - Express Fondness and Admiration
Redirect your attention to appreciation and respect by offering compliments, demonstrating affection, and acknowledging your partner’s strengths. To nurture a healthy relationship, it is essential to consistently practice gratitude towards your partner.
Example: "I truly value the things you do around the house."
Defensiveness Antidote - Take Responsibility
Acknowledging your role in the conflict, no matter how minor, demonstrates a commitment to collaboration. Expressing regret, offering an apology, and refraining from taking feedback personally can strengthen your relationship. Consider your partner's feedback as a chance for growth!
Example: “You’re right; I could have done a better job communicating my plans.”
Stonewalling Antidote – Self-Soothing
In my practice, I teach couples how to effectively take and implement a "time out" when emotions run high or discussions become heated. It's crucial to step back when feeling overwhelmed and agree to revisit the conversation once both partners have calmed down. This approach is key to managing any of the four horsemen that may emerge. During this break, consider utilizing relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation (PMR), or mindfulness exercises to help self-soothe and stay present when you resume the discussion. In my experience in working with couples, most find that 20 minutes is an ideal amount of time to create space and cool down. I recommend adopting the "20-minute rule" for cooling off during intense arguments, allowing both partners the chance to self-soothe before continuing the conversation.
Example: “I need a few minutes to gather my thoughts, but I'm committed to continuing this discussion.”
Practical Communication Tools: Building a Stronger Foundation
In addition to utilizing the antidotes, there are several other strategies to help keep the Horsemen at a distance.
Daily Check-ins
Engage in regular, non-confrontational check-ins with your partner to prevent minor issues from escalating. These check-ins can be brief, uplifting conversations that emphasize the relationship rather than focusing solely on problem-solving.
Repair Attempts
Repair attempts refer to the efforts made by one or both partners to ease tension, prevent conflicts from escalating, and re-establish connection during or after an argument. Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that these attempts are crucial in distinguishing stable, enduring relationships from those that are more prone to failure (Masters vs. Disasters). These efforts can take both verbal and non-verbal forms, aiming primarily to interrupt the negative cycle of conflict before it worsens. Simple gestures or words can effectively reduce tension during disagreements. Examples include a brief apology, a well-timed joke to lighten the mood, or a gentle touch to convey understanding.
Building Emotional Intimacy
Emotional closeness and daily connection (referred to in Gottman Method Couples Therapy as rituals of connection) strengthen the relationship. Activities like date nights, deep conversations, or shared hobbies keep the bond strong. Daily connection requires a couple to be intentional about not only making time to spend together but also being intentional about what activities you do together. With a bit of conversation, thought, and planning, building emotional intimacy is within reach.
Consistent Effort
Breaking the cycle of these Horsemen takes ongoing effort and commitment from both partners and a willingness to continue working on your communication skills even when things seem to be improving.
Therapy as a Tool
Seeking couples therapy, particularly with a therapist skilled in the Gottman Method, can be an excellent resource for partners facing persistent communication challenges. I provide complimentary 20-minute phone consultations and am currently accepting new couples for in-person sessions in California, as well as virtual sessions in both California and Virginia.
Additional Resources
A valuable resource you might find beneficial is "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by Dr. John Gottman, which provides insightful perspectives. This book is engaging and packed with interesting statistics and practical strategies for progress, making it suitable not only for married couples but also for any committed partnerships.
As a Gottman Seven Principles Leader, I conduct couples workshops once or twice a year based on this book to provide couples with effective tools and strategies to strengthen friendship, enhance romance and intimacy, constructively manage conflict, and develop skills for tackling both perpetual and solvable issues.
My workshop is perfect for couples who want to explore Gottman’s methods without committing to couples therapy just yet. It provides a valuable introduction to how the Gottman Method can promote positive changes in your relationship. If you’re interested in learning more about my workshop, click here. To keep informed about upcoming workshop dates, sign up for my monthly newsletter here.
Moving Forward with the Antidotes
While the Four Horsemen may feel like an impending apocalypse at times, recognizing and taming these toxic patterns can lead to healthier, more fulfilling communication. Every relationship faces challenges, but it’s how you respond to and navigate these challenges that determine whether the storm passes or leaves lasting damage.
I encourage you to take one small step today—whether that’s trying a “gentle start-up” or taking responsibility during a disagreement. Remember, small changes can make a big difference over time.
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