Overcoming Emotional Suppression in Relationships: Breaking The Silence

In my work with couples, I observe conflicts, difficult interactions, and even the absence of communication. During these moments, both in and out of sessions, it becomes evident why couples find themselves seeking my guidance.

However, an increasingly common theme has emerged: emotional suppression. Couples who practice emotional suppression may not experience dramatic outbursts or heated arguments; instead, they often engage in a quiet, daily withdrawal from expressing their true feelings. While emotional suppression may start with one partner, it rarely stays that way. The reality is when one partner is suffering in silence, both people feel it-even if no one is talking about it.  Over time, it becomes part of the relationship’s emotional pattern and the other partner may adapt by withdrawing, becoming overly accommodating, or walking on eggshells to avoid tension and “keep the peace.” In this way, both partners end up participating in the silence—often unintentionally reinforcing emotional suppression. 

However, silence is not peace.  Emotional suppression is frequently misinterpreted as a sign of strength or stability, yet it can incur significant emotional and relational costs. Although it may appear to maintain harmony, stifling emotions can result in emotional disconnection, misunderstandings, and frustration.

Understanding Emotional Suppression In Relationships

Emotional suppression refers to the tendency to push aside or avoid our feelings rather than expressing them. In the context of relationships, this often manifests as partners concealing their emotions to prevent conflict or vulnerability. Statements or acts such as:

• “It’s not a big deal.”

• “I don’t want to cause drama.”

• “It won’t change anything, so why say it?”

• Saying “I’m fine” when you are not.

• Avoiding vulnerable conversations.

  
  

We frequently acquire this understanding early in life—whether from families that suppress emotions, cultures that value stoicism, or experiences where expressing our needs led to rejection or conflict. As time goes on, we carry these lessons into adulthood and our relationships, often without even being aware of it.

There are numerous intricate reasons why partners in relationships may resort to emotional suppression, often stemming from a blend of personal history, cultural influences, and relational dynamics. Let’s delve into a few key reasons why individuals might hold back their emotions in relationships.

The Fear of Overwhelming Your Partner

Often, we hold back our emotions out of concern for overwhelming our partner. This apprehension about being a burden can result in emotional suppression, leaving significant feelings unexpressed. However, when these emotions remain unaddressed, they can intensify, and a lack of emotional honesty may put a strain on the relationship.

The Fear of Conflict or Rejection

Many individuals shy away from deep emotional discussions due to the fear of potential arguments, being perceived as hypersensitive or challenging, or having their feelings belittled or ignored by their partner. Rather than facing these risks, they choose to quietly suppress their truth. Ironically, this avoidance of difficult topics allows unexpressed emotions to build up, leading to resentment over time and fostering disconnection—the very outcome they were attempting to prevent.

People-Pleasing & Peacekeepers

Some individuals possess a heightened sensitivity to the emotions of others and often feel a sense of duty to uphold harmony. Sharing their own feelings may come across as selfish or disruptive, particularly when:

- They are highly empathic or sensitive,

- They have encountered relationships marked by unpredictable or volatile moods,

- Or they assume a “caretaker” role within the relationship.

These individuals frequently set their own needs aside, believing they are safeguarding the relationship—however, this emotional imbalance can ultimately become a heavy burden.

Shame or Self-Judgment

Individuals may experience embarrassment or shame regarding their emotions, leading them to think:

- “I shouldn’t feel this way.”

- “I’m being overly dramatic.”

- “My needs aren’t as important.”

This internalized shame can lead them to hold back their voices, even when they want to express themselves. Over time, this can diminish self-trust and weaken emotional connections with others.

Vulnerability Challenges 

Genuine emotional expression demands vulnerability, which can often feel intimidating. Suppression may serve as a defense mechanism that allows individuals to maintain a sense of control. This approach acts as a shield against:

- Disappointment

- Feeling misunderstood

- Emotional exposure

However, in efforts to protect themselves, individuals frequently find themselves feeling isolated or overlooked.

The Cost of Emotional Suppression

These intricate factors significantly affect both the individual partner and the relationship as a whole. On a personal level, the individual who suppresses their emotions may experience feelings of anxiety, irritability, emotional numbness, and burnout. Within the couple, the consequences of emotional suppression can lead to a breakdown of trust and emotional safety, disconnection, reduced intimacy, and even misunderstandings and assumptions, ultimately fostering a sense of emotional loneliness.

How to Make Room for Emotions in Relationships

• Normalize Vulnerability: Make space for honest conversations where both partners can share their feelings without fear of judgment.

  
  

• Create Safe Emotional Spaces: Encourage each other to express emotions, even the difficult ones. Sometimes simply being heard is the most supportive thing you can offer.

  
  

• Let Emotions Flow: Emotions fluctuate, and your partner may need space to process. Allow them to express their feelings at their own pace without feeling rushed.

  
  

Other meaningful shifts include:

• Expanding your emotional vocabulary- Building your emotional vocabulary involves enhancing your capacity to articulate your feelings with greater specificity. Rather than simply stating, “I’m upset,” you could express, “I’m feeling unappreciated and discouraged. It’s difficult to articulate, but I could really use some reassurance today.” Ultimately, broadening your vocabulary is crucial because language fosters connection. By clearly identifying your emotions, you diminish emotional ambiguity and enable your partner to respond in a more meaningful way.

  
  

• Practicing low-stakes emotional sharing- Sharing your feelings or thoughts in low-stakes situations, rather than during confrontational or highly charged moments, can be quite beneficial. By engaging in everyday conversations, you help normalize emotional expression. Starting with simple exchanges allows you to build a foundation, ensuring that when more significant issues arise, sharing your emotions feels less daunting or risky.  For example at dinner, you might express: “Today, I felt really sad, and it seemed to come out of nowhere—it truly caught me off guard.”

  
  

• Using “I statements to safely communicate needs- This approach is an effective way to address emotional suppression. By starting the conversation with “I feel…”, you express your emotions without placing blame. This technique minimizes defensiveness and encourages your partner to listen rather than prepare to defend themselves.  “I feel dismissed when I’m interrupted during our conversations. It would help me feel valued if we could take turns speaking and truly listen to one another.” By focusing on your own experience rather than your partner's actions, you promote openness instead of defensiveness.

  
  

• Engaging in “repair attempts” during conversations- Engaging in “repair attempts” during discussions is crucial—a concept coined by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, renowned researchers in relationship dynamics.  This involves reaching out after a conflict or emotional withdrawal to reconnect and clarify. “I realize I got defensive earlier, and I don’t want that to shut down our conversation. Can we slow down and try again? I really want to understand where you're coming from.”  This is a great example of acknowledging a specific behavior (defensiveness), taking responsibility, and inviting reconnection—all key components of an effective repair.  Emotional suppression often occurs after conflicts. It is helpful to remember repair attempts don’t have to be perfect—they just need to be offered. And the more emotionally attuned a couple becomes, the better they’ll get at noticing and responding to these bids for peace and connection. Making repairs also helps restore connection and safety, demonstrating that the relationship can endure honest communication.

  
  

• Seeking couples therapy or individual therapy support- Exploring both options can enable relationships to delve into deeper emotional patterns and develop new relational skills. A therapist might help an individual unpack where they learned to suppress emotions, or guide a couple in practicing emotional expression and repair in-sessions. Therapy offers a safe environment to confront old habits and experiment with new ones, providing support and feedback throughout the process.

  
  

Final Thoughts

It's important to recognize that true emotional wellness isn’t about bottling up feelings—it’s about expressing what’s real, even when it’s uncomfortable; this happens when both partners can be authentic and vulnerable. Choosing emotional support over suppression helps couples face hard conversations with less defensiveness and more connection. Ongoing efforts to overcome emotional suppression can lead to a deeper bond. When we honor our emotions and create space for them to be shared, we build healthier, more resilient relationships. Every relationship deserves such care—including yours.

Reflective Prompts/Journal Questions

When did I learn to quiet my emotions?

How do I typically respond when my partner shares something vulnerable?

What feels risky about expressing myself honestly?

Struggling with emotional suppression in your relationship?

As a therapist specializing in couples work, I use Gottman Method Couples Therapy to help partners identify unspoken patterns, strengthen communication, and build practical skills for deeper emotional connection. I offer a complimentary 20-minute phone consultation—click here to get started.